think i am going to write down everything i think for one night of being stoned:

• i hope he does'nt think i am one of those chicks who want him around all the time and is really annoying
• i cant spell doesnt
• this little girl is so adorable
• i forgot to continue this.
• eyes are dry
• i wish we had some fucking English Muffin.
• that movie was fucking great!
• ROCK LOBSTER!
• i gotta work tomorrow.
• I am so fuckd up! I like it. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

You know, I don't even know why i try so hard. Its like i do everything in my power to show you that you know i can do something right. I can be something. I can make a difference.  "I don't even care anymore" i don't know how many times i have said these words. And yet i still try. All i want is for you to  give me the fucking time a day. Is that so hard to ask. For once put me at least number five on you list. Not at the fucking bottom. I don't even know you. Why is that? Why can't you just try? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't i put you out of my mind for good for once. I am so stupid to think that the next plot in my head is going to make you turn yours and say "wow, maybe she is worth it."  When am i going to be able to stop screaming so lout without even opening my fucking mouth?!  Sometimes...


 I JUST FUCKING HATE YOU!

*disclaimer: I am aware of the fact i misspelled soup.



Needed ingredients:


1 capsule of ADHD medicine
11 hours of home alone
26 hours of sleep deprivation
And 1 large brainful of self insecurity


note: Capsule of ADHD medicine can be substituted with 1 capsule of ADD medicine.


Procedures:


Basically mix it all up. Stir until frothy.Chill for eleven hours, and you got yourself one big pot full of emo suop.


Serves a party of 6.
well serves you right for being a worthless piece of shit.

I don't feel like myself.
At times this other person takes over me.
Its an indecisive person
he or she doesn't always know what to feel.
they don't like who they are.
they are filled with hate and anger at one moment in time.
than they are consumed by happiness and joy.
while fear and sadness fills in.
they don't like you.
you hurt their feelings.
then you say something, and they are happy again.
they want you to ask them if they are okay.
they want you to go away.
that want you to hold them.
then they leave.
and i am left with confusion.
I love this other person but i want it to die.
i know that in order for them to die, i have to die.
so i want myself to die?
am i crazy?
do i belong here?
Where am i?
What is this feeling that consumes every ounce of me
that is the only but i have to give.
Whats going on....

just so you know, i had a Live Journal before this one. Thats why there are so many posts for today,  i am in the process of transferring my previous works onto this one. I lost the passwords and such for my previous journal so alas i had to create a new one. Enjoy!

She_Is_Silence

I want to be what you want me to be.
i sit and think of words that will suffice in your puny little brain.
and as i sit and ponder of what words will make you happy,
i hate you.
you sit there with your plastic smiles
and judging thoughts.
"you'll never be good enough."
and i still hate you.
you stand there with your perfect bodies
and your open arms.
"you can find hopes that one day you'll be one of us"
i want to hate you.
And when i look at you, i want you.
Because i want to be you.
You are my highest goals in life.
But i cant hate you.
If only you knew how i felt.
and i didn't have to wear this theatre mask
with its painted-on smile
Why can't i hate you?
One day.
One day i will burst into flames
and we will become one.
And so i love you.

I know its not the new year yet, but i assume that tomorrow night i may be too drunk to post a new one. Looking back on the past year i realize a few things.

I find that i focused way to much of making friends. I changed who i was a lot just to make myself interesting. i find that i focused on finding love too much. I have found that i find things that i am looking for when  i am not really looking for them. I found the person that i care so much about, and in the beginning my exact words were "I am not really looking for a relationship". He later told me that he had hoped that even though i wasn't looking for one, i would consider him anyways. I am glad i did. I found that i payed a lot of attention to the little things that meant nothing and put too much into them that wasn't necessary. The old saying "no use crying over spilled milk" holds true in a lot of situations. I found that i hold way to high expectations in people. Sometimes i search the whole world for the perfect person (weather it be for a friendship or a relationship) when i should be looking where i am at for a lesser perfect and a higher norm. I have found that there never really is a perfect thing to say in a situation like this. And that i can't solve everyones problems. That sometimes i just need to sit up with a friend and listen to them cry. Maybe the perfect words can be found in silence. I have found that you can't make everyone happy. That sometimes they may or may not settle for what they can get and that sometimes weather or not they do that, well hey, you tried right? I have found that a lot of times, you can learn lessons by listening first, and talking later. I have found that questions aren't the only way to learn. Sometimes you just have to think. I have found that whats wrong to me, may not be wrong to you. And that sometimes, apologies aren't needed. I apologized just so that the other person knew that i knew i had done something wrong. And i have found that there are times when they will know without me saying anything. I have found that its okay to be wrong. Its okay to be different. Its okay to have a different opinion. I have found that you can't always convince someone that what you believe is right and what they believe is wrong. And that me trying to make them is only forcing my opinions on them. I have found that its good to stand up for what you believe. And its okay to change your beliefs.

But i think the most important thing i have learned this year is this: Change isn't always bad. Could you imagine living in the olden days when there was no soap, the people all had one religion, and there were people on the side of the road with diseases on their faces because personal hygiene wasn't the new fad? we don't live in that sort of world for two reasons. One, well someone invented soap, and two, Change.  I will leave you with this quote by Herbert Otto:

Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.

You don't know it, but when i wake up, i fill myself with energy as i walk the pathway that leads me to my freedom while others flee away to where they hope to find the pools of opportunity.

You don't know it, but i work hard to pay for the ticket for my train that sails away to the darkest corner in my mind where i can be myself..

You dont know it, but sometimes i wish that this world thats filled with utter violence and self-indulging telivision that fills our minds with hatred and anger, was nothing but a breeding ground for love and kindness.

You dont know it, but when i'm alone, sometimes i cry. I wish that my tears were nothing but the liquids that solve the worlds constant thirst for emotion. So then i could share my tears of pain, hope, love, happyness, greif, exitement, splendor, fear and anger with those who have nothing but the blackest of holes in the very part of their bodies that keep them alive. life, as i know it has become nothing but a race. A race to the highest tower for some to reach while others are left on the first floor, sitting in the corner of the elevator listening to the somber music of faithlesness. And those who feel that all they can do is climb the stairs until they reach their transparent ceiling that is the floor to those who have cheated, stolen and lied to stand upon.

You don't know it but sometimes i get on a plane in my mind and go to that place where children hunger only to come back being thankful to be alive with clothes on my back and food in my stomach.

You don't know it but sometimes I am nothing but grateful for this universe. The place where i live where i am nothing but a speck going through this unmeasurable distance in time. This place where i am thankful to be searching for who i am and what i want to be.


You don't know it, but when i wake up, i fill myself with energy for the new day ahead of me.